So eager to say, " hello," but you dont know me

I'm looking at a 401k plan, wtf, why don't they teach you things you really need to know about in college?

So it's really weird filling out all this paperwork

I'm starting to not feel too excited about Christmas. Me? Not in loveee with Christmas. My depletion of funds, constant days at the mall, and Destiny's Child "Eight Days of Christmas" are driving me crazy. Maybe when I am not waking up at 5 or 6 or working til 11 or 12 I will have time to make some cookies and it will be okay. At least I am done shopping and everything is wrapped. Who would of ever thought I would think of Christmas as work?

I pretty much quit at writing, I'm retired.

Enjoy being in school, real life isn't fun, and this is only the beginning in my case

Maybe if the economy didn't suck right now, if I had graduated sooner and stayed in Vegas I might be livin the dream. Things happen for a reason though, right? At least I'm not unhappy. I just miss school, and drinking, and friends, and not being at work 40-45 hours a week

Oh, and if one of the bands I liked came out with a good album that would be great

I may not have some business cas job, but I am in a position where I get full benefits (dental, health, vision), bonuses, and personal/sick/vacation time. That's pretty a-okay with me considering how shitty the economy is and how I get to wear Volcom jeans and skate shoes to work. Not to mention we have a new and improve 80's/new wave/other awesome music play list. Also, there is an ever higher position available in January, so if I can prove myself thru holiday I get another big pay increase, and that opens the door for corporate ( what up Anaheim, CA). So yeah, I may only be an assistant manager of a retail store (at the biggest mall in the Chicagoland area), but who knows, maybe things will work out with my sk8r gone kind of preppy retail job.

Other than that, life is pretty chill. I don't have to do homework anymore....I have a few friends at home, but I really do miss my busy life in Champaign. I had a lot of friends, a bar that was basically my Cheers, everything was within walking distance, I miss the tasty eats (ugh, miss you Mandarin, Kofusion, and Dos), and having your own place is pretty sweet. Although it is pretty nice to take it easy after taking 18 credits, having two jobs, and going out as frequently as possible. I've probably lost weight since I am not too much of an alcoholic anymore. Having cable again is also a blessing, but does consume a lot of my time for a person that has not really watched tv for the past 4 years. My friends will be home this weekend (and cousin), I get to see one of my favorite bands (Wilhelm Scream baby), and I get my raise! The weather is beautiful, a boy bought my Cheesecake factory today, and Xmas is right around the corner

Yep, life is good.

I don't know why I can't sleep anymore....I wish I worked more

Thursday I blacked out before even getting to the strip club and vomited all over my buddy's crotch....sorry Kye darling...

I took it easy the rest of the weekend and had a really good times. A lot of people were down from the burbs (12 to be exact, all either residing in the NW suburbs, or once residing there...they were all awesome).

I got blown off for the interview....fucker

I did not go to the Violent Femmes or I am Ghost...I regret the Violent Femmes more, but I ended up spending the night with Pat and Jorge anyway

Saturday Matty and Grant picked us up and we went to Mike's, The Emergency Room (local bar), Pure (Night Club), Body English (night club), and finally drinking/gambling at the hard rock casino. I love that place....any casino that will play Pennywise's "Alien" and has the cocktail waitresses wearing leopard is right up my alley. Yesterday I met up with some of Lisa's friends from Cali and discussed the high paced LA life....then I met up with my buddies on the strip and ended up spending most of the day with two guys I just met....one who had previously been drinking out of a trash can when I first met him. We went to the Luxor arcade and Paul and I beat the old skool Simpsons game. Then I met Criss Angel upstairs who had just finished an intense round of air hockey. I ended the evening by eating at the newly opened Dick's Last Resort, which I had not visited in Chicago since high school....the experience at this one was definitely 10 times better and funnier...it also made me think of when Natalie, Paulina, and I hung out all the time. Went home to see Lisa and got dessert with her

Pretty much, as much as I cannot wait to get back to the burbs and Champaign and all that jazz, I am going to miss my friends out here to death. I love the no drama, besides the hilarious freaks we meet and the great quotes we get from meeting them. Kris got back into town yesterday and instead of going out with him tonight I think we are going to go on a sort of bar crawl in the next few days. Lisa and I are going downtown to hangout with Maly and his band boys tomorrow...then my parents get here Wednesday....I can't believe it's already over...I also cannot believe how few days I have in the burbs before starting school....ahoy 18 credit hours

Well, I hope you're all doing as well as me...I have to get ready for a Taco Bell date with Matty and Lisa

I think this is one of the most difficult things I've had to do in quite sometime. I've never been good with confronations, I tend to just hope things will blow past and keep my mouth shut to avoid further trouble/complicaate things even further

With all of this flying around in my head everything from the last year just surfaces and drives me crazy. I need some fucking disiplene...I went over the top this year and I wonder how I could let myself go so bad

Don't get me wrong....I love Champaign-Urbana, but I've definately picked up a lot of bad habits I don't neccesarily regret completely, but I question how I could let myself go so bad

How did I turn into such a drunk, alcohol is great and all, but look at me, it's fucking disgusting how much weight I've gainned in the last year and how I used to pride myself on avoiding some of the things I currently partake in

I can't let myself have as much fun as shows, I feel like I fell in a total slump and just turned into a big fuckinng pussy...avoiding the pits, not coming home covered in sweat with a shit eatting grin on my face and pretty much loving music and everything related with the whole concert going experience. Not to mention I was like 20 lbs thinner when I used to "rock out." I don't know why I'm so afraid of a blow in the pit now, or jumping around weighed down with all those carb infested drinks. I hate how my teeth are all fucked up from chipping them one two occassions

I want to quit smoking, but feel like I really do not have a powerful enough reason to quit....I don't want to quit even though I know I'm a fucking hypicrit now and it's fucking horrible for me. Not to mention allowing myself to get into all that other shit as welll....it's fun sometimes, but did I really need to fall into the crowd when I was always so happy with the willpower to avoid all this shit I felt was unneccesaary in my life.

I've always felt like I was a good person, I go out of my way for other people, I do everything in my power to take my priveldges and let other people enjoy them as well (which some of you probably experienced by attending a concert with me for free or trying what I could to get you to meet your favorite band.) Some people really appreciate it, and I love that I can do that for others, but I feel so underappreciated for it sometimes when I certainly did not have to go out of my way for you. I've had some great times, like the priceless smiles on Casey and Andrew's faces when they got to hangout with Bill Stevenson, but other times I just feel so blarghhh.

I just need to sit and reconsider my life decisions....I want to be motivated to acccomplish great things somewhere, to work public relations and find a job that pays me decently but that I also love. I sometimes wish I did not transfer so I could of graduated without so much effort....if I never had to look at my DARS, transfer credits, and rework my schedule and still be worried about graduating and coming up with the money for school again, I would be one happy girl.

I wish I had less free time, worked more, and was motivated enough to work on some of my goals....I feel like I waste so much time when I am not occupied with everything that it's sick. I wish I could fall asleep at night without being wasted or smoking a ciggarette and my mind would just calm the fuck down and not be all over the place.

I had to do this even though I didn't want to. I started shaking and was on the verge of tears sitting on my balcony watching the planes, but I've been pretty good at sucking that up to some degree. I can't even remember the last time I cried over something which is pretty sweet.....these last few summers have been really rough.

I just wish everything would fall into place and workout...no more work on my car, no more money problems, no more wasting my time, more writing and working to find a career, being able to let go at shows and give up bad habits.

The thing that bothers me the most right now is how I'm all fucked up over other peoele's actions....I just wanted to think you wouldn't do this to me and everything would be okay. I guess you should really just never expect to stay friends with people or have them appreciate you or be naieve enough to think you actually matter in the lives of the people you surround yourself with. To some of you, I love you, you make my life great, and I appreciate what we have. To others, I wish things did not have to be this way and I mattered to you the way you matter to me.

Other than mind fucks Las Vegas is good right now, I love having Lisa back, I can't wait to see Casey, my parents will be here in a matter of weeks, and I cannot wait to see the city lights again on August 10th. Chicago will always stay in my heart no matter where I go, although I am clueless on where I will end up in a year. I know what I deserve will eventually come to me though and things will workout. I'm not as emo as I've been making myself out to be, I had the most ridiculas Friday the 13th weekend and had a lot of fun. I guess I just have too much freetime and am more willing to vent my frustrations publicly. Don't worry guys, when I get back I will be as chipper as ever. I miss you all can't wait to see you, but will also miss everything I've had here the past 6 or so weeks

<3 guys don't worry I will be okay

What the fuck?

I'm not used to dudes telling me flat out they want to fuck me, not even creepy bar rats, but cool, cute dudes

Woah

It gives me some time to consider some of my life choices

I think everything is going pretty alright, although there are some regrettable things going on right now

I sort of lost my job...after all that and coming out here and stuff...so I pretty much had a crazy nervous breakdown yesterday, freaking out about what to do and where to go and all that jazz

I have an interview at Express tomorrow, oh how I hate retail...but it may not be that bad since a Christmas cd won't be on loop and I get a sweet discount on clothes...I also won't have to take out my lipring/cover up my tat..cross your fingers that I get the job

For all the bad things that happened it seemed something good came up to override it

Yesterday I got Tiger Army's new cd for free, free tickets to the show, and came up with some good questions for my interview
I got 50 bucks back on some clothes I bought, I love it when things go on-sale and I screw the system, stick it to the man for sure
I also got the interview thing

I have a blister on different places of each of my feet and a blister on two of my toes...I've never had so many blisters....maybe since I've been walking so much I will lose weight like woah though....it also gave me an excuse to buy nice running/walking shoes...man I love my Nikes

I need some motivation....I really want to go on a date...I think I am going to try and get more ballsy with this whole situation I guess....I also wish I was still going to clubs every night...I really wanted to get real drunk and go to the Revolution Lounge tonight...they're spinning Bowe to Depeche Mode this evening...Yesterday when I took a shot of vodka I almost threw up. I do not know if it was from the panic attacks, the bad dining commons food, or some sort of heat stroke...if I get the express job I am going to go see Love with the Beatles...everybody probably has no idea what I'm talking about since they're all Illinois folk, oh well

I was pushed off over the edge, but I'm standing right back up....now I just need to quit smoking and start running and get a good job....

Jimmy Kimmel/Disneyland/Pennywise/The Vandals next week..that's enough to make a week go well

<3

Op. quit smoking is going unsuccessfully, although I have smoked less than 10 the last 3 days....the other 2 I smoked a pack, ew.....I am a dumb girl

It's refreshing to hear from old friends, even when they're hurting...it's nice to build up those relationships

It's funny to get butterflies from boys

Three years in the making....I have to go for it this summer...I hope he's interesting
Speaking of boys I kind of miss one, but I have been really busy
I want sex, btw

SOoo how about that livejournal

I'm living in Vegas for all of you out of the loop

I miss Adam and Rick soooo much

I feel a lot better about things as of late
Not to mention I have also been much more adventurous!

I'm getting along really well with everyone

I'm pumped to go to Vegas

I have a golden birthday coming up

I get to see Morrissey next month!

I've never been so depressed about a band breaking up, just to see how that shit fucks up the people involved really sucks... Miss you MTS

I have no motivation to do any school work, this is my last week...hopefully I don't fuck it up....go college!

It's been awhile since I heard a song and my heart sank for those three odd minutes like, wow, I really do miss everything this used to mean to me. Just for those three odd seconds though

But I really do dislike nights like tonight where I can't sleep, it makes my mind run in all directions.

It sucks I've reached that point, but going home this time was not too great. It may have just been the sickness, but those phonecalls that were never made did put a damper on some nights.

At least my best friend called me today to tell me she misses me, I'm glad we're feeling the same

The doctor I went to today was seriously crazy, seriously

I don't know how I feel about this place anymore

I hardly know my best friend anymore, shit happens I guess. That's why you get new best friends.
I really do try, and you can't really force anyone to call you back.

I just wish my head would clear up, my energy would come back, and I could breathe normal again.

I think all of that is making me crazy and cranky.

Today was okay
Doctor
Good Food
Nails
Movie
Crazy drama
Mall

It also feels weird to not go anywhere, or have someone come visit me around this time of year. Last year my spring break was awesome, as was the week after....we had a lot of fun in Cali, etc.

Yup....I have so much school work to do and no motivation to do it. I think I will just sleep another ten hours

I feel like my life has been non-stop as of late....I sat on the couch and spaced out while watching E! for a half hour or so and it felt so weird to just sit there.

Yesterday was a bad start to the week
Got home from St. Louie so late
Missed my first class
Car broken hxc
Realized I have two tests and a quiz this week
A bunch of stories due on deadline,

but then I got to sit around with a guy I like sitting around with

and

Today I realized
I get to write a lot cool stories this week
I get to have a drink with a hottie tomorrow
I have some pretty cool friends
I get to see Liz and Kris Roe on Friday
Spring break is a week and a half away!! Larry Arms, Big D, woooo...not to mention a roadtrip if my car doesn't cost like 500 dollars to fix, which it probably will

Grant sent me a text today saying he misses me and Jaz drunk dialed me, I also got info on summer housing. Las Vegas here I come....

I really need to purchase an Ignite cd in the near future, it's still super sad that they will be in vegas this weekend with Pennywise, tear.

Soooo I need to stop slacking and review some cds, finish my Smoke or Fire interview and start working on questions for my interview with Kris Roe. Not getting paid for this kinda blows, but ya know it's worth it.

Today is going to be very interesting, I really hate confrontations. I cannot wait for the weekend

Tonight I have a date, tomorrow I'm going drinkin' and bar hoppin', Friday I may go out with the roomies or go to a party or something, Saturday I am having a party and I think I am going elsewhere to watch the superbowl.

This is the first time I have watched the Superbowl in years. Last Superbowl I went to Disneyland after seeing Tiger Army....I fucking miss my buddies. Nothing can really phase me at the moment because I am still beaming about Jaz and I having a good relationship...I sound like I'm fucking dating her haha. Oh how I miss her though. I really need to work on going to Vegas for the summer or spring break or something. For spring break I'd like to go to Vegas, Ohio and see some shows.

I have a few more things to say which have slipped me at the moment. I haven't talked to a bunch of you back home in awhile. How are you? I need to come back and visit or you need to come back and see me (HINTHINT MIKE)

Damn that lack of money thing

<3!

Vegas was fucking awesome
NOFX and Punk Rock Bowling was fucking awesome
My friends are fucking awesome
Being complete over it is fucking awesome
Food is fucking awesome
Being home with my roommates is fucking awesome
My new major/classes are fucking awesome
The Warped tour line-up this year is even fucking awesome with like ten bands on bill...damn, I am doing well

The only thing that is not fucking awesome is my beer belly!! Oh well, everything else is good, except the weather is not fucking awesome....I miss my best friend :( I hope everyone else is also fucking awesome

I went to see Trio a few days ago and they played one of my favorite albums

AFI sold out...I have to debate if I want to ebay that shit

My job at bath and body is coming to an end, today is my first payday of break

This break has been relatively low key and although it seems uneventful for me, I guess I have done a lot


I am going to Vegas in a week and a day!!! My goal was to lose weight before I go but I think in fact I have gained some weight. It probably does not help that I have come to the conclusion that I have probably had a sinus infection for a month and all I have done is eat and sleep. There's always next time to look thin and sexy for my vegas darlings

Love making to a beer belly? Alex Persino makes me laugh and Tim F is probably one of my favorite people in the world, even if he doesn't call me back a few times.

Hope everyone else is well too. I am off to Champaign tomorrow for some roomie love, although I never thought it would happen I miss rick and adam :(

I have a few new years resolutions this year...that normally is not the case unless I'm like,

Man I am going to be thin this year!!
That's pretty much yearly

I have had a wonderful break thus far, even with all the working and no cuddling

I'm pretty happy

I also hate $400 credit card bills\

To think I need to purchase new books in a month makes me sick to my stomach, blargh

It does not feel like Christmas....I have shit to buy still, wrap, cards to make out

I wish I had some freakin time off instead of working all damn day. Come on...1-10, 3-11, 6-2:30, Lammmeeee

Oh well I need the money

I cannot wait to see my UNLV darlings!!!!

So I am going quit drinking over the break

I need a break from alcohol!!!!!!!! It is killing my diet and my stomach

Although I am going to miss this place

Okay this week looks much better

Adam is home to stay!!!

I might go to the Trio New Years show

I might go see AFI in February

I can't wait to see my Vegas darlings!!!

I just need to start working out again so I can impress all my Vegas loves without them being like, damn uiuc made you fat and gave you a beer belly.....damn that beer

<3 you all!

I can't wait for school to be over...this has been a highly stressful/crappy week

I wokeup and it was 60 in here...even though the thing is set at 72.....what the fuck....it's really cold outside too

I feel like I have a problem keeping friends. I feel alright losing the ones I have fond memories of withou real bonds, but I don't know...stuff has been getting to me.

I think I have the whole seasonal depression thing going on. I've pretty much been ripping out my hair all week long

I don't know if I even want to go home

I have a test tomorrow, but I don't even really fucking care anymore. I have to write a story for the Buzz tonight with Andrew....I'll try to keep my chin up

I think I am done with internet relations again

I think that seasonal depression is setting in.

I need to stop eating so many cookies and drinking so much beer...it's killing my health. I returned to CRCE today

I need some soup, it's so cold

I kind of don't even care about my finals...I just want school to be over...I'd be sweet if my face cleared up too

Almost a month away til vegas.....yyaayy